Shame and guilt are only appropriate when it is about harm or boundary violations of others.
When I have a client who tells me they experience shame and guilt I immediately do an assessment: have you killed anyone, have you injured anyone, have you had sex with someone who didn’t consent or couldn’t consent; have you stolen, embezzled.
I have the good fortune of having been sponsored in a twelve step programme by a someone, Lee, whose grand-sponsor was AA founder Bill W himself. Step five is where we “admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong.” Your sponsor then helps you to do step six – making amends.
My experience with Lee was so compassionate. His response to almost everything I told him was “that was just part of being human and growing up.” I had done fifth steps before and found in comparison that they were extremely harsh and unforgiving.
I tell this story because we are routinely hard on ourselves and, maybe a little less so, with others.
Most Shame is Useless and Damaging
Don’t let Aunt Ida decide your sex life. I know she would come along with the Lysol to spray the furniture when someone wearing shorts stood up. No our anal regions don’t send out microbes like x-rays Aunt Ida.
We make a mistake when we process emotions and attractions through our everyday mind. We are using the wrong tool.
Repair Therapy is a method that helps us learn to process our emotions in the present. Unlike meditation techniques it’s a matter of finding a part of our selves as opposed to practicing daily for years to calm the mind.
