Guide to this Page

I’ve written a lot. Please look at the headings and pick the one you want, especially Simple Fixes.

Trauma and Sex

I am primarily a trauma therapist, trained at the UN for war trauma and worked with 911 and Newtown responders and began my career in a sexual abuse treatment collective.

Trauma of any kind damages in an instant the innate sense of safety most of us have naturally. The world in an instant becomes unsafe. To protect ourselves from the intense experience our minds split from our bodies  and a sense of unreality is felt–almost as if we are watching someone else. We may actually go into shock. Our hands and feet get cold because nature conserves our blood in our core when we are assaulted in  any way.

Trauna damages our sex life by cutting us off from our bodies. Sexual trauma, sexual violence and child sexual abuse also damages sex lives. Many trauma therapists suggest waiting to deal with sex after much of the healing is done. My stance is that our sex life is healing in itself and we should start right away at least by making sure we are able to give ourselves pleasure. Sex, as you will see if  you read more of this page and my blogs, starts with masturbation.

Natural State Restoration restores our sexuality if it was damaged. I am finishing up a blog post that will go into more detail about sexual damage and the ways to heal.

What is Sex Therapy?

We are all entitled to a completely joyful sex life free of guilt and shame: a fully embodied sex life. A fully embodied sex life is a safe where we fully “inhabit our bodies with comfort and ease. (Ariel Garrieto taken off the web October 2024.)

Sex therapy helps us learn about the hidden obstacles, misconceptions and prejudices that inhibit us. It helps put those away and teaches us how to become best friends with our adult and young adult body.

Modern life sweeps away many if not all of our natural signals. Natural State Restoration restores the sexual response.

Sexual connection and enjoyment of sexual touch may start at any time in the life cycle. Some remember discovering pleasure in touch almost at the same time as walking, others not until later or late in life. Some never develop a sexual interest at all.

When it comes to sex there is no normal. We are fortunate to live in a world where we can be ourselves and not have to fit into someone else’s category.

As a sex therapist I will support any and all safe and ethical sexual practices.

Simple Fixes

If any of these fixes solves the problem it will save you some money…

Sometimes just a little change can revive a flagging sex life.

In my experience with couples and thruples simply getting them to stop eating large meals at night was the key to rekindling a sex life. Food is an anti-aphrodisiac. The French eat very light meals for dinner and look at their track record.

Simple, clear and honest communication is essential. Never fake enjoyment or lie: if you did lie admit it and clear things up. I like it when you…, I like…but not always–I will let you know. Sometimes I like the tip of the clitoris touched through the hood and sometimes I like it directly (see clitoris below.) I want to try a little butt play (see anal sex below.)

A big obstacle is body shame. We may no longer have the body of a 20 year old and may feel like we don’t want to be seen naked. As they say, the alternative to aging is unthinkable. And there is a lot of evidence that sex keeps getting better with age.

We sometimes take changes personally. He isn’t hard all the time anymore. She isn’t wet anymore. These things can change with time and things like medical issues or medication.

The other simple shift couples can make is to put other sexual practices on the menu. Intercourse, the way it’s portrayed in movies, is an athletic event. It’s an aerobic event. It puts a lot of pressure on the owner of the penis. A hard day. A ten hour day. An hour commute. A shower. It’s a lot. That leads us into…

Intercourse May Not Be the Main Course

There are many ways to bring each other to orgasm. There are many tools to help the process. And there are ways to fuck, a good English word, that aren’t strenuous. Tantric sex, especially when coupled with an easy meditation practice can lead to full body orgasms and, the ultimate, the heart orgasm that can be felt for weeks and months after.

TV and movies almost all show sex as the male fantasy. She’s ready for intercourse instantly. The penis goes in instantly. It’s over the second he has his orgasm. She seems to be fully satisfied even though two people very rarely come to orgasm at the same time.

A significant number of women don’t have orgasms with intercourse. There is an art to giving an orgasm through penetration (with penis, dildo or any other implement.) We need to know where the pleasure spots are, where to apply pressure and which direction, all the while knowing that it can change from day to day so that it is constant exploration.

A sensitive penis wielded by a sensitive person can sometimes perceive the little round divet that is the cervix. The cervix can be extremely sensitive and may not respond to the traditional pounding that we see in movies. It may need to begin slowly to let the sphincter relax a bit. The whole pelvic floor may need to be relaxed to allow the cervix to lower to where it can be stimulated. And as with all sex communication is key.  “Is that it?” “Oh, yeah, but gentler.”

That doesn’t nessesarily mean she doesn’t enjoy intercourse. Without expanding the menu to include other ways to bring someone to orgasm, that leaves a lot of unsatisfied women. As Judith Hofstedder said on Big Bang Theory “I’ve been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982.”

That brings us to…

The Orgasm Gap

If men, or possessors of penises, have had the advantage in so many ways in the world: unfairly higher salaries, unfair promotions but in the universe of sex women win the orgasm gap. Men need twenty minutes refractory time and are limited to a small number of orgasms.

Women, or psossessors of vulvas, vaginas and clitoral complexes, can have multiple orgasms, the can have longer orgasms. Their genitals may be more sensitive after the first orgasm.

Maybe the Universe does have a sense of justice.

Will the Real Clitoris Please Stand Up

The clitoris is more than just the tip of the penis. The glans is the only part that is external to the body. Most people think the little hooded part is the entire clitoris. It is erectile tissue of the same type as the penis almost the same shape.  Watch this video (clitoris explained.) There are so many ways to stimulate the actual clitoris that it can provide a lifelong pursuit for its owner and their lovers.

What is Sex?

First off, sex and sexuality are like snowflakes: no two people are alike in every conceivable element. Genitals can vary in shape and size (see blog in size https://www.gabrielcohen.ca/all-about-size/) and can share characteristics. In fact, the category male/female is a falsehood so different are we one from the other.

Sexual appetite, libido, may differ or vary unpredictably; health, conflict, and stress can change one or both partners’ desire; we may be turned on when our partner is nowhere near; our partners may not choose to take part in certain sexual activities that are important to us; our partner may change hygiene habits (stop showering or showering off a particular scent that excites us).

Affairs or Ethical Nonmongamy?

Vows. To paraphrase a Canadian sex therapist: did you actually put your sex life into your vows? I’ve never heard of anyone who did. And we often take our vows before we fully know ourselves as sexual beings, and knowing our sexual selves can take a lifetime as our bodies change and our knowledge of pleasure grows over time.

Research shows that the most sociable people, the ones who thoroughly enjoy the people around them, are more likely to have multiple sex partners. For some people simply being alone with someone they are close to will bring on sexual desire. Others wouldn’t think of having sex with anyone but their intimate partner.

Also, we may not know when we are young just how strong our libido is, or our libido may change over time. We may be asking the impossible of our partner to stay sexually faithful. If we love them there are ways to allow them sexual experiences they crave. Ethical non-monogamy is where people conduct sex lives without causing harm to another (although any sex partner could fall in love and a plan needs to be in place up front.)

Be open to a different arrangement. Maybe the relationship would be better as a thruple. See the movie French Twist.

I personally can’t attest to this but I’m sure that a good stickhandler would enhance any sex life.

If “None of the Above” Solves the Problem…

You might consider making an appointment with me or another sex therapist. If I feel a colleague would provide better service I won’t hesitate to refer you–I have no ego in this.

Finding Help

Sex therapy should be a part of every therapists’ tool kit. It isn’t. Few degree programmes make sex therapy mandatory; at most they might get a lecture or even a part of a lecture under human development. Many therapists know not much more than the general public and may be filled with misinformation and prejudice. Unfortunately, I’ve found many sex therapists trainers to be mediocre or worse couples and individual therapists. There are wonderful exceptions.

Bottom line, no pun intended, it’s hard, no pun intended, to find a therapist knowledgable about sex therapy and couples work.

Since training as a marriage and family therapist in 1987 I’ve kept up with the trends in sex therapy and attended numerous trainings. A lot of individual psychotherapists say they are couples counselors after a weekend or two training. Would you let your podiatrist perform your brain surgery after two weekends.

Likewise doctors, even urologists who are supposed to be the go to people for sexual issues may have very little training and may not be keeping up with the trends in sex therapy. If an area has a sex- knowledgable urologist or better yet a sexual health clinic they usually have a waiting list. Put yourself on it right now.

If your family doctor tells you there is nothing wrong to cause problems like vaginismus or erectile issues he may not be accurate. I’ve insisted that people keep seeing specialists when I see no logical or illogical emotional issue blocking a full sex life and have often learned that a medical or medication issues caused the problem.

Masturbation: We Are Our Own First and Sometimes Best Sexual Partner

Sex therapy is NOT just for people in relationships. We can all have a full sex life. And that includes sexual fantasy, erotica and yes, porn.

Masturbation is Not Just for Singles

If you spot your sexiest movie star at the local store and they are hotter in person we are all allowed to find a locked room to rub one out.

We rehearse our sexual moves in our imaginations. If we are attracted to someone who is not in our social sphere, we can bring ourselves to happy orgasm imagining what it might be like to be with them. (Our fantasy is rarely accurate.)

Anal Sex

Many, if not most of us enjoy some form of anal stimulation. Men every bit as much as women.

The Joy of Sex ruined anal sex for at least one generation. Reasonable hygeine is all it takes to have worry free anal sex.

I can’t cover everything on one page. That would make it a book. Forgive me for neglecting some essential topic.

A sex therapist –along with a qualified medical professional, if necessary –can help unpack and deconstruct obstacles to a great sex life. A great sex life is a constant exploration of our own sexual responses and those of our partners.

In my training, I’ve learned that nobody is an expert on all aspects of sex.  Researchers can tell us about the mechanics and biochemistry of sex, the anatomy of the clitoris, penis and prostate, the nature of arousal and some of the mechanics of orgasm. With work and effort, we can become experts in our own sexual behaviours and responses.

Please read my blog posts on Sex Therapy and Sex