We are all different…

I use the terms “couple” and “marriage”  here simply for ease and clarity — please forgive me if you are a member of a different kind of committed partnership. Not everybody is built for marriage or monogamy. We may not always know that about ourselves, coming into adulthood. There is no right or wrong. Polyamorous families can be successful; single people can have a rich and full emotional and sexual life; some few people may have no discernible sexual response but maintain healthy partnerships.

I work with all forms of family as long as all those involved agree to come to therapy. 

I do NOT, however, work with families with violent partners. I believe very strongly that a multi-disciplinary social service agency is the best place to go for help with those issues. A private practice does not provide the necessary security for all participants, in case a session gets out of control.

I recommend that the victimized person (statistically most likely to be a woman) have their own support and a plan for their own safety and that of their children. I am able to help this person with this plan and referrals.

I can also find resources for the violent partner depending on what is available in the community.

Relationship Tune-Ups … A Great Way to Grow Together

Sadly, we don’t maintain our marriages nearly as well as we maintain our cars, or bicycles even! Why would you give your car and your body regular maintenance, but neglect your marriage, the most sustaining relationship of your life?

Come in for one- or two-session marital “tune-ups.” They will keep you humming.

Come in at the beginning of relationships, before you move in together or marry, or when you become a poly family. 

Unfortunately, I treat many couples coming in for relationship repair after critical breakdowns, such as separations and affairs. I would prefer to see you long before things become that difficult, so you may strengthen the bonds you have to prevent such occurrences.

Marriage and Stress

Marriage needs to be a refuge from life’s pressures and stress. Marital partners are people who are on our side when we have trouble – even if the trouble is of our own making. There are times when marriage can feel like a battleground. We may, in our worst moments, say and do the wrong things. As long as these are relatively rare moments and repair is done quickly, your marriage is fine.

If your marriage or family life is no longer a fairly consistent refuge from life’s stress, please make an appointment for Marriage/Family Therapy ASAP — do not pass Go! 

You Can’t Have Too Much Kindness 

Dr. John Gottman’s 30+ years of psychological research into marriage really shows what my family therapy mentor, the late Eva Kenyon, always said, “If you think you are kind enough (“giving enough strokes,” she would say), you’re wrong.”

Gottman found that he could predict which marriages would stay together by seeing whether the couple maintained a minimum ratio of 5 positive messages to every 1 negative message to their partner. The 5:1 threshold.

Gottman coded speech, tone of voice, body language in his “Love Lab” https://www.gottman.com/about/research/)

With all the data and ongoing access to couples Gottman had observed, this 5:1 threshold is iron-clad science.

The Benefits of Maintaining the 5:1 Ratio

Maintaining a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative messages is not easy in a marriage, but it comes with great rewards. Not only does it improve our marriage, we get into the habit of noticing and reflecting positives everywhere we go. We are compelled to really recognize others (tune in to them in a concentrated way). This kind of genuine positivism benefits and cements all kinds of relationships; for example, my clients who follow this protocol, suddenly get promotions and recognition that they hadn’t had before.

Life does not move in a straight line; it circles and spirals and has competing directions. Even in the best marriages or relationships, we grow closer and further apart at varying times. We continually have to find each other and renew our bonds.

Children, in particular, can suddenly take a developmental step that really changes them and may make them seem distant to their parents. We can use this example as a lesson in our marriages. Don’t get alarmed when your loved one seems more distant. Perhaps your partner is going through a growth stage or working out a particular issue. It does not mean they are leaving you. I recommend a relationship check-in within the family every three months; a good time to do this is when the seasons change.

What if Kindness Appears Maudlin and Ridiculous to You?

If we didn’t experience that look of genuine unconditional love growing up from parents or other caregivers, but were raised with superficial and meaningless expressions of emotions or lack of expression, we may miss or dismiss genuine acts or words of kindness from caring people around us. Those of us who were raised by narcissists may be especially cynical about kindness, push it away or disbelieve its relevance or authenticity.

So some of us have to learn to receive and give love. If you find this description fits you, I encourage you to start therapy now, with me or another qualified professional.