Natural State Restoration: Inside Space

Inside Space or Inner World are my terms for the world we can experience inside ourselves. Let me know if you have a better term please.

We largely neglect our inner lives. If we go into Inner Space deliberately it is often to enjoy a sexual fantasy or to think of an enjoyable event coming up. We might neglect unpleasant memories or facts that make us uncomfortable. People say those things enter our sub-conscious or unconscious but I call it the “neglected conscious.”

Hurts in childhood such as traumas can be neglected in our Inner World for decades yet they can affect our daily life. Natural State Restoration offers a painless way of healing from those old hurts.

I want to apologize to the reader who does not neglect their inner world. There may still be things that you can do there that you haven’t yet tried. I know I’m always learning new things from clients and colleagues.

I try not to use the term “imagination” because it implies a lack of reality and my reason for working in this inner realm is to help make changes in the real world.

Inner Space is more about the heart than it is about the head. Or rather it’s about both but the heart wins out. The ancient Egyptians thought that we think with our hearts. I have a passion for Egyptian history and I believe they were better at governing than any other civilizations–oppressive Kings, Pharaoh just means “house,” referring to the royal house similar to the way Americans say the White House when referring to the president.

We can choose to locate our consciousness in both our hearts and behind our eyes. And, as Marsha Linehan puts it, the wise mind is one that takes in both our thoughts and our feelings.

I want people to get the benefits that are available to us in our Inside Space even if they don’t have spiritual or religious beliefs. But I have to admit that this work comes with many unexplained experiences. My first year growing tomatoes on the BC coast I woke up at four AM getting a message from my tomato plants that their tips were freezing. It was warm in the bedroom so I wasn’t aware that it was cold. It was well into June, but my trust of my Inner World was so great that I got dressed and got a pair of garden sheers. Sure enough all the tips were covered in frost. I cut them off as best I could in the pitch dark and went back to bed.

I have training as a social scientist with all the skepticism that that comes with but I’ve also been a lifelong meditator now over 50 years. I hope some day there will be a scientific explanation for things like this, some energy that can be used to communicate and can be measured.

If we do have the ability to learn things about people through mystical means I believe that it should only be done with full consent. Otherwise it is a creepy boundary violation. My tomatoes, I believe, don’t have such sensitivities.

(I will add more or simple add another post -I’m new to blogging.

 

 

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On Our Own Healing Powers

We are able to heal ourselves in many ways. Some are obvious and can be explained. Others appear to be mystical or magical. I prefer to say that there are some innate abilities that we can’t easily explain.

In my New York State practice a few local doctors sent patients with chronic illnesses such as Post-Lymes, or auto-immune diseases. While not everyone experiences a total cure my clients were all able to improve the quality of life through finding our own innate sources of healing.

It starts with the breath so that people can go into deep states if that’s what the body needs. The technique involves finding that infinite, unconditional love. When we do that we can safely explore deep states and deep healing.

I ask people to agree to four rules or contracts for work in deep states. We do this only when the person has found that loving and peaceful state that I talk about. The rules are:

  1. to go to the part of our selves that was built on unconditional love
  2. to see love as infinite, so that if we have had only one experience of love we have experienced all the love that ever was and ever will be
  3. to assign symbols or blurs to the idea of infinite love to stop our Everyday Mind from  trying to understand infinity
  4. Number four is only for when I work with someone: that you are in control of the session at all times and can stop at any time

Only love can enter this state and only love can leave this state.

In this state we are incapable of unwarranted guilt and shame. We are capable of taking responsibility for things that we may have done that warrant guilt or shame – these are things that harmed others.

In my  therapy practice instead of changing critical and undermining thoughts I help people find the state where they can’t exist.

But these are things that need to be experienced to be understood. I will be adding audio files to take you into these states or you can make an appointment with me or with another practitioner who is learning these techniques.

On Healing and Inner Space

We are not taught to respect and explore our Inside Space or Inner Space, that rich world inside of us (coming soon a blog on Inside Space.) Our teachers rarely talk about what goes on inside ourselves. We rarely use our inner world. We might enjoy a sexual fantasy or daydreaming about a vacation coming, see old friends. But we rarely just spend time with ourselves. We fill the silences because it feels awkward to be with others in silence.

Scientists and artists of all kinds can go into Inner Space to invent new things. An athlete can rehearse moves and consider situations that might come up on the playing field. But we can all use our Inner World to make our lives more full and to find our own healing powers. We need to tune into the body more often.

Pain is the one way our bodies can get our attention. But if we learn to listen and tune in to our deeper states, our inside space, we can find and fix problems long before our bodies need to yell at us in the form or pain.

We are capable of going into deep states where we can learn to listen to our bodies. The adrenals, the glands above the kidneys that secrete stress hormones, can be brought into conscious control. We may be able to tune into sensations that have been there all along but we just weren’t paying attention.

NSR has proven effective in lowering inflammation. Post-Lymes, Post-Covid and oxinflammation (sub-clinical brain inflammation newly discovered by science) all can be improved by lowering inflammation. Our attention to body parts often increase inflammation. Migraines, for example, tend to get worse with attention. By learning to lower temperature we can reduce inflammation.

I like to show people that we can actually have conversations with parts of our body. We can even have a discussion with several parts of the body to find better ways to work together.

We can also find healing resources that come in myriad forms: people can get oils, teas, pastes, herbs, fruits, poultices, scents and myriad other medicines in that inner space. What these healing things are I don’t know. If they are only symbols that make us believe we can heal, as long as they work it doesn’t matter if we don’t understand.

Again, I’m describing things that might only make sense if you experience them. For now I can still work with people individually and there are people learning NSR.

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On Love

Our religious leaders tell us to love, but they rarely tell us how to love unconditionally.

The mistake we make with love arises from the fact that we think of love as a finite commodity. The key to truly loving is to see love as an infinite thing.

When we think of it as a finite thing, like a jar of jam we can make mistakes like giving love to others and neglecting ourselves. Or giving love to one friend and not the other. These “love mistakes” will be a large chapter in the book I’m working on.

Cultures that believe in the presence of loving ancestors have a resource that makes life much richer and more secure. That loved ones survive through their love means that we can feel loved all the time. Where a parent may want the child to, say, become a doctor, a grandparent is less invested in a future that they may not be around to see. A great grandparent is happy enough to hold the baby for a while and has no investment in mundane things. If we believe that love never leaves then we have the love from all those ancestors, including the love that came from their friends, their pets. It’s an infinite web of love.

Any experience of love gives us all the love that ever was and all the love that ever will be. How much better it is to walk through life with that assurance.

Natural State Restoration restores that infinite love that the infant feels. We only need to get out of our own way.

Many Shamanic cultures believe we have three parts, or three souls: an everyday mind, a divine or unconditionally loving, and a collective soul where we share our love with others.

When I teach natural states I ask us to meet in that loving space. Anyone can do it.

 

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Secure and Loving State

When a baby is fed and comfortable you can see her belly rising with each breath. She is open, trusting, capable of taking in love and very quickly giving love.

In a blink of an eye, if the baby gets startled or hungry her breath gets shallow, or she pulls in a lot of air, or starts breathing short breaths at the top of the lung. The bliss is gone. Many of us carry that discomfort response into adulthood. Anxiety is our early warning system but if we panic at simple discomfort we might miss that signal.

We are able to accept discomfort with grace. Even in danger we can face it with calm. It’s all about listening to the body. It wants to stay calm.

My clients often call this their inner child. I discourage that because it’s key to very adult situations like a sex life and our skills at work or school.

Mihaly Csiksentmihaly (chick-sent-ME-hi) describes a “flow state” that athletes, musicians and scientists experience. It’s the same as a spiritual experience or a transcendental experience like watching a sunset or a pod of dolphins playing near a beach.

More to come

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All About Size

My breasts are too big. My penis is too small.

First off: we are all allowed our taste. Just as a man might be attracted by large breasts a woman might be attracted to a large penis. If it’s a dealbreaker for some, live with it.

What matters about the penis, any penis, is the person that is attached to it. (I am using the word penis but people might be using toys like dildos and other safe tools of penetration.) What also matters is how that penis is used to give pleasure. A good lover gets to know the geography of the vulva, vagina and the butt. Good sex is predicated on good communication. The vagina has different tissues and a good lover can find the places that the engorged clitoris is cradling the vagina.

It’s easier for a smaller penis (dildo, clean cucumber…) to find those spots and move in the just that right, oooh, spot. The large penis will probably hit those spots too, but both need a thoughtful lover who is able to ask and listen.

 

So it’s/they’re smaller than the other peoples’ in the locker room. Get over it. If your lover likes a fill and loves you there are ways to provide that fill without a biological appendage.

 

 

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Natural State Restoration: Damaging Thoughts or Evil Spirits

When I talk to a genuine Shaman, by which I mean one of two that I’ve met, their description of evil spirits correspond exactly with the description of undermining thinking that people with depression and anxiety experiencing within Inner Space (that world inside our being) are identical. They both engender unnecessary guilt and shame.

What do I mean by unnecessary shame and guilt? Necessary guilt and shame relate to any deeds we did to harm others. The twelve step programmes ask us to do a fearless moral inventory and then take full responsibility for any harm we’ve done.

A sponsor of mine was sponsored by someone who had Bill W, one of the two founders of Alcoholic’s Anonymous, as a sponsor*. He said that Bill W said most of us need to make most of our amends to ourselves. We beat ourselves up for being a human being. Warranted guilt and shame is a guide to where we need to make amends.

Most of the people who come for therapy are tormented by unwarranted shame and guilt: mistakes we made when we were children, when we first started dating if we did date. Many people hold shame for having a human body with its strong desires and it’s various fluids and waste.

Unwarranted shame and guilt can’t be found in the heartspace (see upcoming blog post on the heartspace) and warranted guilt will be gone when we’ve made amends. (For those who have broken a law that amends may have a high cost, but any cost is worth paying to have a heart free of warranted guilt.)

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy seeks to change our thinking. Natural State Restoration allows us to find the state where shame and guilt doesn’t exist.

*I got clean from drugs when I left an abusive home at the age of 14, actually one month before 15. I lived for two years in upstate New York near where Alcoholics Anonymous was founded. I put in an appearance in Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous when I need to work a step.

 

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Natural State Restoration: on love

Many Indigenous and non-Indigenous cultures have deep connections to ancestors. They believe that ancestors who love them are present in their lives in ways that feel immediate and present.

Natural State Restoration builds on that capacity by allowing the idea that love is infinite. So much that if we’ve only experienced one instance of unconditional love (see my post on the Art of Unconditionally Loving to come) we have experience all the love that ever was and ever will be.

All the love that ever was and ever will be abides in our hearts. We only need to find it. The key to finding this state is through breathing naturally (see blog post on breath.) Bt breathing naturally we can abide in a state of calm love.

We make mistakes when we think of love as a finite commodity, like a jar of jam.

  • we give away love to others and think we don’t have any left for ourselves
  • we give our love to some and not to others who don’t deserve it
  • we use love to shape other peoples’ behaviours so we may subtely, or not so subtely, show that we will love if you do well in school, lose weight, make more money…
  • we think that if we love strangers we will let them walk all over us, or spend all our time listening to troubled people

These are just a few examples of mistakes we make by thinking of love as finite.

Infinity? Isn’t that for Einstein?

No. Many traditional cultures believe that we have different parts. One part is the Divine Soul which was constructed by all the loving experiences. By loving experiences I include transcendent experiences such as watching a pod of orcas off the nearby Roberts Creek beach. It can be the few moments when we were held by our great grandmother or a teacher who stays after school to help us figure something out. It can be, as one 11 year old said, a cat that is fed and exercised and comes over to give and get love.

Feel that transcendent moment now. In your heart.

And keep reading

 

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Men Sexually Abused by their Mothers

I’ve been working with men sexually abused by their mothers and female caregivers for over thirty years, not a full time caseload but enough to know the issues that

In my general practice these men almost to a person have suffered more damage than any other form of abuse. The vast majority have had a bad time when they speak to friends and lovers of their experience. Imagine having to keep a central and damaging truth silent year after year, decade after decade.

Many of my guys have been morbidly obese. Others self-negligent to the degree of suicidality. They may be first responders hoping that they get in the way of a bullet or a beating.

Most find sex triggering or difficult. The scents that arise, the sound of a woman’s pleasure… Some few are very proud of their ability to satisfy a partner but draw blanks when asked about their own pleasure.

As I won’t work with men who offend–this requires a whole other set of skills and the involvement of the criminal justice system–I can’t speak to that issue. Although if a man says the abuse “made me the man I am today” unless he’s talking about broken he is at risk for offending.

Often their memories are characterized by what I call kidthink: the unique way children have of making sense of what happens to them. The wet vulva they were forced to touch a baked apple with wiry hairs

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Premature Forgiveness: Poison Retention

In my career I have frequently helped with the damage that forgiveness – done too quickly – has done. Often this was done for religious reasons.

Forgiveness needs to be a process that may or may not occur over time.

Premature forgiveness can stop an adult or child from seeking legal redress. So the offender may go on to harm other people.

 

I will continue on this soon

 

 

 

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Shame and Guilt

Shame and guilt are only appropriate when it is about harm or boundary violations of others.

When I have a client who tells me they experience shame and guilt I immediately do an assessment: have you killed anyone, have you injured anyone, have you had sex with someone who didn’t consent or couldn’t consent; have you stolen, embezzled.

I have the good fortune of having been sponsored in a twelve step programme by a someone, Lee, whose grand-sponsor was AA founder Bill W himself.  Step five is where we “admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong.” Your sponsor then helps you to do step six – making amends.

My experience with Lee was so compassionate. His response to almost everything I told him was “that was just part of being human and growing up.” I had done fifth steps before and found in comparison that they were extremely harsh and unforgiving.

I tell this story because we are routinely hard on ourselves and, maybe a little less so, with others.

Most Shame is Useless and Damaging

Don’t let Aunt Ida decide your sex life. I know she would come along with the Lysol to spray the furniture when someone wearing shorts stood up. No our anal regions don’t send out microbes like x-rays Aunt Ida.

We make a mistake when we process emotions and attractions through our everyday mind. We are using the wrong tool.

Repair Therapy is a method that helps us learn to process our emotions in the present. Unlike meditation techniques it’s a matter of finding a part of our selves as opposed to practicing daily for years to calm the mind.

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