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Shame and Guilt

Shame and guilt are only appropriate when it is about harm or boundary violations of others.

When I have a client who tells me they experience shame and guilt I immediately do an assessment: have you killed anyone, have you injured anyone, have you had sex with someone who didn’t consent or couldn’t consent; have you stolen, embezzled.

I have the good fortune of having been sponsored in a twelve step programme by a someone, Lee, whose grand-sponsor was AA founder Bill W himself.  Step five is where we “admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong.” Your sponsor then helps you to do step six – making amends.

My experience with Lee was so compassionate. His response to almost everything I told him was “that was just part of being human and growing up.” I had done fifth steps before and found in comparison that they were extremely harsh and unforgiving.

I tell this story because we are routinely hard on ourselves and, maybe a little less so, with others.

Most Shame is Useless and Damaging

Don’t let Aunt Ida decide your sex life. I know she would come along with the Lysol to spray the furniture when someone wearing shorts stood up. No our anal regions don’t send out microbes like x-rays Aunt Ida.

We make a mistake when we process emotions and attractions through our everyday mind. We are using the wrong tool.

Repair Therapy is a method that helps us learn to process our emotions in the present. Unlike meditation techniques it’s a matter of finding a part of our selves as opposed to practicing daily for years to calm the mind.

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Size: the real scoop

Anxiety about Size: Are my breasts, penis, butt, stomach, thighs, chins, testicles, nipples too small or too large?

The key to everything in life is acceptance. We accept ourselves the way we are and accept our lovers the way they are.

First off, everyone has a right to have their tastes. We are allowed to be attracted to freckles, soft bellies, hard abs, body odours of various kinds, a complete absence of odours… Just as someone is attracted to large breasts someone else may be attracted to a large penis; the opposite is also true: a small stick can be more nimble and agile; it may be better able to apply pressure at the exact ooooooo point.

I’m not going to use the term “men” for those with large external erectile appendage because there are many pleasurable and pleasuring ways to penetrate that aren’t predicated on a single member. Lesbian love is often enhanced by dildos and double-ended dildos.

A large penis may engender fear which might cause the pelvic muscles to contract the vagina and anus. Trying to shove past the clenching can cause pain or discomfort.

If a lover likes a good “fill” there are many ways to achieve that. A lubricated butt plug is a great idea and when a penis finds a hard object it can only enhance pleasure.

 

 

 

I know I glossed over size. Many women like a wide fill. Some women appreciate a huge dick on special occasions–like a pig out on ribs and fries, something we want maybe once a year and are perfectly happy with the food at home,

For the vast majority of people,  mates and lovers are chosen for a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with their genitals. Cherishing and loving is all that matters in the end. We may follow our attraction by dating within type we can also end up loving a friend whose outer qualities don’t fit the type.

The penis can provide pleasure in so many ways whatever the size. Sex has an inner geography. 9/10s of the clitoris is internal and men have internal and lateral pleasure points. It can be used to stimulate pleasure points in the vagina, anus and prostate. Handled by a loving and intelligent owner the penis can apply pressure in any direction, not just depth. In fact, a relatively smaller penis may be more able to apply pressure and sway in various directions.

But for a lover who needs a large fill there are all forms of plugs and dildos. An anal dildo might please her while presenting a welcome surprise to the stick handler  when it finds hard surface.

For men, even you tough guys, a butt plug, a loving friend with an erect phallus or a fist can bring a surprise to the picnic.

My Belly, thighs, Butt are Too Big!

I can’t tell you how often one part of a couple or a thruple is avoiding sex because they don’t want to be seen naked while their partner is aching for a good frolic. As I said on my page, we can’t all keep the sylphen body of a teenager.

If one of a couple or thruple is too puer to accept the effects of aging send them to therapy and if they can’t get over it kick them to the curb. They don’t belong in your bed.

Here in Canada there is a movement to accept big bodies. They are wearing spandex and minis that show off every rippling, wobbling, voluptuous inch. If they are enthusiastic about food they are enthusiastic about sex. (Eating out of low-self esteem or trauma may not be so joyful but make sure your loved one feels cherished while they work through their pain.)

I’m personally a little too vanilla, well spicy vanilla, to know kink from the inside but it can be a great way to exercise demons and compulsions in a safe and consenting way.

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Uncle Benny: Our Sexual Mentors

Who is Uncle Benny?

Some people are lucky and had “sex mentors:” parents, siblings and older friends who give them accurate information. Lucky people also had good “love models” parents or others whose openness about their affection, sensuality and comfort with their bodies.

Those people are less likely to have shame and guilt about sex.

Unlucky ones can get bad information, shame, guilt, misogyny, homophobia from their environment. They may have experienced  abuse by an older person or teen, unpleasant, aversive or abusive first relationships or violence. Sex, for those people, may be difficult or fraught.

In mid-career I developed an alternate persona as a therapist I now call Uncle Benny.

Uncle Benny is not a therapist. He gives accurate (to the best of my ability, library and personal contacts) information about sex, sexual response and dating. He is comfortable exploring kink and fetish and will give accurate information including, if possible, where to find like-minded people. (I say “if possible” because I’m new to my remote community and don’t know where the kinks are located yet.)

Uncle Benny asks that you go on to mentor another person.

Repair therapy seems to be effective in resetting our sexual behaviours back to what it would be instinctively. By instinct I include our attractions and sensual and sexual BUT ALSO our ability to determine safety. Please read my blog post on safety. 

I have found that some of the techniques of Repair Therapy seem to help individuals and couples find the joy and spontaneity in sex and sensuality that they had lost or never had.

Our Conscious Mind can help or a hinder an ecstatic sex life. Sexual fantasy can build anticipation and bring creativity into sex. It can also stop our enjoyment. We may not do something because of fears or judgments we got from others or mistaken ideas and bad information. With all due respect to Father McCohen, he is not likely the right person to be a Sex Mentor.

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